The Princess the Pea and  the Parachute
by Ash Vault Rose Garden
Summary: The wonderful story of The Princess and the pea, tweaked to my own specs. Yes, i've taken a nice happy story and transformed it. Please read and review.


Disclaimer: This story is not mine, nor never shall be mine... I just tweaked the main idea

Once upon a time, in a far off place called Lackluster Town, there lived a prince named Cailean. Now, some of you are imagining the noble, chivalrous, gallant type of prince, with the blonde hair, the blue eyes, and the height and build of a body builder… Sadly- you people couldn't be farther from the truth.

Contrary to popular belief, this prince, Prince Cailean, was anything but noble. Sure, he was handsome, with a square jaw, heavy lidded dark green eyes, and shaggy mouse brown hair, a slightly crooked nose, a rather pale complexion and lips that were always twisted into a brazen smirk, but nobility and gallantry were lost on him.   
Yes, this prince was a bit …divergent when compared to other princes, for Prince Cailean was a short, scrawny, a tad misogynistic, trivial, petty little bastard.

But I digress.

Prince Cailean was getting tired of constantly being alone and the one night stands with the town wenches… but mainly he was tired of constantly being badgered by his mother to "Find a nice princess girl!"

So, the rich Cailean came up with the bright idea to hold interviews with the loveliest princesses in the land ( Because he sure as hell wasn't going to travel the world looking for the perfect female, so he made them come to him.).

His terms, you ask? That the woman in question had to be "a real princess" for he would accept only the best.

For five years he carried on with his interviews, but he always found fault with the princesses. He'd line them up, look them over and as he walked down the line of princesses, he'd say to his mother ( rather loudly) "That one is too slavish, that one too fat, that one too skinny, and that one looks like she has been hit in the face by the ugly stick one too many times." Needless to say, many a princess ran off crying, and he never found his princess, so he called it quits.

Then, one day, about a year later, there was a nasty storm. Hurricane force winds blew down trees, torrents of rain plummeted to the ground with such force that they created floods in the Town, lightening sparked across the sky, thunder crashed and anyone who stood outside for too long looked like they got in a fight with a guard, lost, and got tossed in the moat.

Well, by chance, during this horrible storm, a young woman walked up to the castle in search of refuge. When the maid opened the door, and led the woman in to the royalty, Cailean's mouth fell open in horror and the queen spit out the tea she was sipping.

The young lady was drenched, and looked like a drowned rat. When she walked, her mud caked her shoes squelched and the hem of her red velvet dress was covered with mud so badly, that one could see exactly where she had walked, because it made a path behind her. Rain water made her long blonde hair look stringy, and like it hadn't been washed in years, her make-up had run down her face distorting her image so much, that she looked like a hag.

Her clothes, which stuck to her and emphasized how skinny she was, were torn and she had branches and leaves covering much of her body. Perhaps the only nice things about her were her sparkling eyes. She spoke well and respectfully as she introduced herself.

"Greeting your Majesties" she said as she did her best attempt at a curtsy in the sopping gown. "I am Princess Edaline of Duck Wood, next in line to the throne. I beseech you that you grant me refuge until the storm is over and a horse so I may continue my journey to my home afterwards."

Cailean and his mother exchanged glances, and smirked as their eyes fell back upon Edaline.

"Really, _Princess_" Sneered Cailean "And how much of a princess are you?"

Glaring, Edaline replied "I'm more of a princess than you are a prince, S_ir_"

"Oh, ho! Looks like we've got a _real _princess, eh Mum?" smirked Cailean "We should put up a room for the drenched doe, shouldn't we?!"

The Queen smirked bemusedly, and summoned a maid and instructed her to place a pea under twenty mattresses and twenty down beds. Nodding the maid set off to do the task, leaving the three in the Great Hall. Clapping her hands again, the Queen summoned another maid to lead Princess Edaline to her temporary chambers.

As the princess left, the Queen and her son laughed at the poor girl unmercifully

"Here's your room, Miss" Said the maid as she opened the door for Edaline.

Upon seeing the towering bed, Edaline gaped in disbelief "Christ in a dingy! How am I going to get up there without mountain climbing equipment?!"

The maid smiled and said "A _real_ princess could get up easily" and left Edaline alone to figure out how to climb the massive pile of bedding.

Though it took many attempts (one involving the use of the room's furniture in order to make a crude ladder to try to climb up… which didn't work well), Edaline finally got to the top of the bed by climbing up the drapery and swinging to the bed. Tired and weary, she took off her sopping clothing, and fell asleep quickly.

The next morning, the Queen and Prince Cailean were sitting down for breakfast, as an ill-tempered Edaline joined them. Edaline had cleaned up rather nicely, compared to the previous night. Her hair was coiled up in a tight bun, as her eyes shone brightly due to her correctly applied makeup. Her light blue dress flowed gracefully behind her as she walked, as her heels clicked on the stone floor.

"Good morning" Beamed the Queen "how did you sleep?"

Lowering herself into a chair next to the Queen and across from Cailean, she sighed heavily. "Poorly. You have the worse mattresses in the world, my lady. It felt like there was a stick, poking me in the side incessantly!" Edaline said rubbing her side.

The Queen and Prince Cailean were taken aback by this statement.

"What?" Inquired Edaline buttering a slice of toast before she ate it.

"We placed a pea under your mattresses last night to prove that you weren't a real princess, because everyone knows that only a real princess is sensitive enough to feel a pea through a mattress" explained the Queen

"I had the idea of using the over abundance of mattresses" Said a smirking Cailean as he sipped his tea "Mother was dead set on using just one or two, but I coerced her." He smiled

Edaline glowered and put down her toast. Slowly, she poured herself a cup of scalding hot coffee, and promptly threw it at Cailean "You pathetic, moronic, asinine, little welp!" She yelled above his screams of pain and anguish as the hot liquid hit his skin "Do you even know how hard it was to climb up the drapery to get on top of the bed; How many scrapes and bruises I got!?" She stood up and threw her plate at him "Don't even get me started on getting down! I had to use a bloody _sheet_ as a _parachute_ to get down!" she threw an apple at his head as he tried to get up and make a break for it "A PARACHUTE!" she yelled after him as he ran away.

"I thought you were supposed to be sensitive!" Yelled Cailean as he dodged the speeding apple.

"Oh, I'll show you sensitive" Muttered Edaline, picking up another apple. Without hesitation she lobbed it at him and hit him in the back of the head, causing him to crumple into a heap, to the floor. "How's that for sensitive!"

Collecting herself, she took a deep breath, seated herself and continued eating her toast.

The Queen, who had been sitting sipping her tea serenely, quietly said "That's quite the arm you have on you, my dear."

Edaline smiled bashfully and said "Thank you" and continued to eat her toast.

Many weeks later (Mainly due to political reasons), Cailean and Edaline married and all was well for a few years. Edaline had a child and named her Ulla, and Cailean enjoyed a luxurious life without his mother badgering him constantly.

Regrettably, about ten years after Ulla was born, Cailean died a rather painful death that shall not be disclosed within these pages. Many believe the cause of his death was due to either a very bad umbrella incident or Edaline finding him in bed with one of the town wenches. As it stands now, however, no one is quite sure what happened, except that it was _exceedingly_ gruesome.

As for the pea, it was put into a museum to be on display for many years… unfortunately the town fell upon hard times, so they ate the pea, feasting on it for many days (It was a large pea). Later the towns' folk replaced the now eaten pea with the sheet Edaline used as a parachute to get down from the mountain of bedding.

As for Edaline, Ulla, and the Queen, they lived happily ever after; throwing social gatherings, tending to the town's needs. Amazingly, after many deliberations, they even created trade relations between England, Duck Wood, Lackluster town, and New Jersey.

The End. Please review. -


End file.
